Hello? Is anybody there?
Just thought i'd better check back in after that last post and let you all know that, after much soul searching and many tears, my husband and I have decided to work on our marraige rather than throwing it all away.
He's admitted his part in what's been happening and i'm trying to accept that the situation that arose wasn't through a lack of caring, but a lack of understanding on his part.
We've been together so long that we had both started acting in ways that we thought each other wanted, and in the process we'd lost ourselves.
We've both made commitments to being happy in ourselves and are trying to see them through - can't ask for much more than that, can we?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
In a bad place
Hello, is there anybody out there?
I find myself turning to la Bella Vita for solace when everything in my life seems to be going wrong.
My relationship of over 14 years is over. At least I think it is....
It would be easier if it just was.
I hate this feeling of sickness in my stomach all day.
I hate crying all the time.
I hate ... being me at the moment.
Another year down the gurgler and I haven't done a thing to change the way I feel about myself. I haven't made one move towards the person that I want to be. And I keep blaming my husband for not allowing me the freedom to do it. I am so sick of putting everyone else first... and so sick of feeling guilty about that feeling.
All I can think of at the moment, is that this would be so much easier without distractions (or life/responsibilities as they're commonly known) ... but I have two young children and that is not going to happen.
Even the guilt I feel at thinking of my children as 'distractions' is overwhelming.
So i've been considering leaving my partner and starting a new life. I guess my thinking is that, at least if i'm doing it by myself, I am not accountable to anyone else, and can do what I want when I want... and won't be effected by his negativity. You see he's a non-believer in the food-is-an-addiction camp. His core belief is that i'm just lazy, and should stop putting food in my mouth. And I probably am and should, but that is not going to change unless my mindset changes.... and my mindset is not going to change unless I have some control over my life.
Or am I just looking for excuses again? I know that it will be MUCH harder as a single mother. I have no family support and couldn't rely on him for support either as he works all the time.
I know that so many women would be happy to have a husband that works so hard to provide for his family, but I am over it. He wants me to change and won't give me the support that I feel like I need to start the journey.
I am so unhappy with who I am, but I know that I am not strong enough to change it in my current circumstances. I've been living this life for seven years now and have just been steadily putting on weight.
I know that he would love for me to quit work, which would give me more time to sort myself out, more time with the kids, more time to sort out the housework etc in the daytime so that nights could be spent spending quality time with my family... and the thought of that is SOOOO appealing that I want to cry... but so much has happened between us over the years that i'm not sure that I can let it all just slip under the bridge... I don't TRUST him anymore....
He has been a major part of where I am in my life right now, whether intentionally or not, and every instinct in my body tells me that I will never be able to change/feel better about myself if I don't get away from him for a while.... I feel an overwhelming urge to just get away, and i'm not usually that type of girl.
The part that's messing with my mind is that i'd love to come back and spend the rest of my life with him once I'm happier with myself.... I do love the fucker after all... I just don't like the way he approaches my weight issues...
Messed.Up.
That bloody guilt raring it's head again saying 'how is it fair for you to separate your family, break up your marriage, cause THAT much hassle, just so that you can find yourself again? And then you want to come back and start again once you've got your shit together?'
...
The final straw was ringing my health fund today to ask if a nearby doctor was included in their list for lapband surgery, and finding out that I was not able to claim that surgery at all. After our discussions last year about this, and all my heartbreaking admissions to him about needing that option as a backup plan, my husband didn't increase our health cover to include that surgery - because he wanted to save $20 a week, and really just believes that I should just 'suck it up, stop eating and put in the work'.
I am Messed Up.
I find myself turning to la Bella Vita for solace when everything in my life seems to be going wrong.
My relationship of over 14 years is over. At least I think it is....
It would be easier if it just was.
I hate this feeling of sickness in my stomach all day.
I hate crying all the time.
I hate ... being me at the moment.
Another year down the gurgler and I haven't done a thing to change the way I feel about myself. I haven't made one move towards the person that I want to be. And I keep blaming my husband for not allowing me the freedom to do it. I am so sick of putting everyone else first... and so sick of feeling guilty about that feeling.
All I can think of at the moment, is that this would be so much easier without distractions (or life/responsibilities as they're commonly known) ... but I have two young children and that is not going to happen.
Even the guilt I feel at thinking of my children as 'distractions' is overwhelming.
So i've been considering leaving my partner and starting a new life. I guess my thinking is that, at least if i'm doing it by myself, I am not accountable to anyone else, and can do what I want when I want... and won't be effected by his negativity. You see he's a non-believer in the food-is-an-addiction camp. His core belief is that i'm just lazy, and should stop putting food in my mouth. And I probably am and should, but that is not going to change unless my mindset changes.... and my mindset is not going to change unless I have some control over my life.
Or am I just looking for excuses again? I know that it will be MUCH harder as a single mother. I have no family support and couldn't rely on him for support either as he works all the time.
I know that so many women would be happy to have a husband that works so hard to provide for his family, but I am over it. He wants me to change and won't give me the support that I feel like I need to start the journey.
I am so unhappy with who I am, but I know that I am not strong enough to change it in my current circumstances. I've been living this life for seven years now and have just been steadily putting on weight.
I know that he would love for me to quit work, which would give me more time to sort myself out, more time with the kids, more time to sort out the housework etc in the daytime so that nights could be spent spending quality time with my family... and the thought of that is SOOOO appealing that I want to cry... but so much has happened between us over the years that i'm not sure that I can let it all just slip under the bridge... I don't TRUST him anymore....
He has been a major part of where I am in my life right now, whether intentionally or not, and every instinct in my body tells me that I will never be able to change/feel better about myself if I don't get away from him for a while.... I feel an overwhelming urge to just get away, and i'm not usually that type of girl.
The part that's messing with my mind is that i'd love to come back and spend the rest of my life with him once I'm happier with myself.... I do love the fucker after all... I just don't like the way he approaches my weight issues...
Messed.Up.
That bloody guilt raring it's head again saying 'how is it fair for you to separate your family, break up your marriage, cause THAT much hassle, just so that you can find yourself again? And then you want to come back and start again once you've got your shit together?'
...
The final straw was ringing my health fund today to ask if a nearby doctor was included in their list for lapband surgery, and finding out that I was not able to claim that surgery at all. After our discussions last year about this, and all my heartbreaking admissions to him about needing that option as a backup plan, my husband didn't increase our health cover to include that surgery - because he wanted to save $20 a week, and really just believes that I should just 'suck it up, stop eating and put in the work'.
I am Messed Up.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Teachers... Guardians of our future...
As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big 'F' at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around..'
His second grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.'
His third grade teacher wrote, 'His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken.'
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.'
By now, Mrs Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, 'Mrs Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.'
After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her 'teacher's pets..'
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck w ith it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honours. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.
The story does not end there.
You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.
Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr Stoddard whispered in Mrs Thompson's ear, 'Thank you Mrs Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.'
Mrs Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back.. 'Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you.'
It might be an urban legend, but this ol' tear jerker still has a great message...
Mrs Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big 'F' at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around..'
His second grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.'
His third grade teacher wrote, 'His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken.'
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.'
By now, Mrs Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, 'Mrs Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.'
After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her 'teacher's pets..'
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck w ith it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honours. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.
The story does not end there.
You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.
Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr Stoddard whispered in Mrs Thompson's ear, 'Thank you Mrs Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.'
Mrs Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back.. 'Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you.'
It might be an urban legend, but this ol' tear jerker still has a great message...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Are you part of the Lost Generation?
Very thought provoking.... I can totally see how much my apathetic attitude towards my weight is just reinforcing my bad behaviours in relation to getting control of my weight...
So interesting to see how the same words can means such different things...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Towel Surfing in Australia
Tomorrow is my birthday which has been been a time of reflection for me this year. Will be back with some thoughts about the direction of my journey then....
Until then, enjoy this tasty little tidbit... it's one of my favourites, so I hope y'all like it too!
xx
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